this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
