Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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