sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
