Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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