I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
