I will die if light touches me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
