i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The cops high fived after they tackled you
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
