i think my mom watched the whole time
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
