Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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