Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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