he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
