Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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