you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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