I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
