Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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