if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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