Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
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Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
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TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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