3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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