2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
