im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
