Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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