I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
