apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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