How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
