4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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