First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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