I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
