ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
