hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
