If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
