I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
