Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
