My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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