My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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