my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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