if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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