Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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