shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
And then he peed in my hair
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