Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
wow bdsm is so cute
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