Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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