I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
