He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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