i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
