the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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