the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
