I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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