So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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