I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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