I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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