well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
