I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
