think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
