Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
