I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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