you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Congratulations! We have a period
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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