My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
