I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
