my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Found the puke drawer
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
