I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
